Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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