Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
