My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
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