I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
