his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
What a dumb baby whore.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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