Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
