last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize