The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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