there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
