I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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