This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
