Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
