U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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