I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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