well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
