I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
