The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
