remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
