my being single is dangerous.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
