she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
