I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
