I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
