i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
