fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
where are my eyebrows?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
