Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
