So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
