If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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