then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
