the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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