She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Your penis caused this!
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