You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
