this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
