i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Randomize