My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
