i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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