Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
