there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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