in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My cat gives me a boner
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
