You smell like a Billy Joel song
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize