she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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