How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
