best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
