big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
