But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
