I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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