I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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