I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
