She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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