every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
