Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
