cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
