If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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