You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
