If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
