I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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