I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
