I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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