if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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