you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize