my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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