STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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