you guys were way drunker than both of me
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
