Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
