she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
